Tag Archive | advice

A Sliver of Light

Jun2

Sometimes, when the darkness comes and you feel your world crumbling down around you, a sliver of light makes its way through the cracks of your life.  The past month has been a huge struggle for me and my husband.  Not only has he seemed to have gotten noticeably worse, but financial burdens have become overwhelming, our kids have had some personal struggles, and the pressure to remain strong and keep life “normal” for everyone has become harder for me.  Then, on May 18th, my husband was brought to the ER by ambulance once again.  He had been vomiting on and off for days, thought he was better, and then started all over again.  We thought he was septic again.  This was not a new thing for us…we had been down this road several times before.

But, this time was different.  He went to his usual hospital, where they knew him and his history.  They discovered he wasn’t septic, but possibly had a blocked intestine from his tumor growing and squeezing it shut.  A doctor came into the room and said that she felt he would be better off going a few blocks away to Smilow Cancer Hospital.  She felt he would be able to get tests over the weekend, and that there may be doctors there with more expertise.  So, we agreed and he was transferred.  It was one of the best decisions we’ve ever made regarding his treatment in the last 11 years.  It changed the trajectory of his treatment and gave us some hope we haven’t had in years.

Dave stayed in the hospital for 5 days, and came out looking and feeling like his old self.  The difference?  He had a different doctor who decided that since his disease is essentially an overproduction of inflammation (in a very basic nutshell), that they should put him on steroids and see how he does.  The result was nothing short of amazing.  He felt better physically with less pain, and his head cleared and he was able to think more clearly.  He was more awake.  They released him on Tuesday, with a referral to a doctor who specializes in rare diseases.  That doctor happened to be in the SAME practice as the doctor he has been seeing for the past 5 or 6 years.  We have no idea why we were never told about him.

Last week, he had his first appointment with the new doctor and he has given us more hope in one visit than the other doctor has ever given us.  The new doctor is already treating another patient with Erdheim-Chester Disease in the same practice.  He studied under a doctor at Sloan-Kettering and a doctor in Boston who both have experience in treating ECD.  He started my husband on a new medication, has a brand new plan for him, including monthly visits, scans, and testing for a gene mutation that could change the course of his treatment in a positive way.  The hospital also gave him other resources to help him and the family.  In 11 years, we never knew any of this existed.  One trip to the hospital, for what we thought was just another hospital stay with some sort of infection, turned out to be a blessing in disguise.  We had the right doctor at the first hospital who questioned his lack of current treatment, who sent him to a specialty hospital, who had the right doctor on staff to lead us to a completely different doctor with a much better plan.

Life is still a struggle, and the illness will always be there.  We’ve watched as my husband slowly deteriorates, not knowing what to do or where to go.  Just when you feel as if life has kicked you so hard that you don’t want to get back up, the right people, in the right place, at the right time, enter your life.  And everything changes.  We don’t know yet what the outcome of all of this will ultimately be, but we feel hopeful for the first time in a long time.  Sometimes, that’s all you need to get you through.

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Adjustments

Sep13

It’s been almost 8 years since my husband’s disease was discovered.  It’s been a long 8 years, full of learning experiences I never thought we would ever have to endure.   I’ve learned how very possible it is to get through every day life, struggling with exhaustion, or finances, or lack of time, or situations out of our control.  I know what it’s like to continually take one step forward and two steps back.  I know what it’s like to make sure my kids have a good childhood, with interesting experiences, unique opportunities, and the chance to become the people their souls are meant to become, all while living with a fathers’ illness that invades every part of our lives.  Life has been an ongoing struggle between dealing with a sick spouse, the loneliness of losing people in our lives who can’t deal with it, grieving the loss of our dreams, and living every day life, raising kids, enjoying what we can, and just keeping on going whether it’s an easy day or a hard day.

The hardest lesson has probably been acceptance of how this disease has changed our marriage.  Eight years of spousal illness takes a rough toll on a marriage.  Both of us are dedicated to each other until the end.  There is no question of that.  We love each other and we are both loyal to each other.  But life has changed for us.  My husband sleeps all the time.  When he is awake, he has no energy, or he has energy for short amounts of time.  He is on so many medications that he is often in a zone and not really hearing what I’m saying, nor responding to me.  He is in pain almost all the time.  It never goes away completely.  For all the exhaustion he has, he never sleeps well because he can’t get comfortable.  It’s really hard to watch your husband suffer every single day.  I get tired of it all. Sometimes, I just want to get out of the house so I don’t have to look at him like that.  There are days I want to scream out of frustration…frustration that he isn’t talking to me or listening to me, frustration that he can’t do much to help me out, frustration that it will never get better.  It’ll only get worse.  We likely won’t grow old together, and get to do the things we used to talk about doing when we retired.

There have been many times that I felt alone with all these frustrations, grieving the loss of a marriage that won’t be what we had hoped.  But, he deals every day with illness.  He never feels good, he is always wiped out and exhausted, he is bored being home alone all day while we are at work or school.  He wants to be included when we go out and do things, even though he doesn’t always have the stamina to keep up, and often wants to come home early.  There are times I need to get out of the house and away from the disease, so I don’t ask him to go.  I want to go out, and not have to worry about whether he is tired or in pain and needing to leave early.  We recently had a conversation in which he told me that it makes him sad when we do things and don’t invite him.  Honestly, I hadn’t really thought about it…I needed to get out, and I figured he wouldn’t want to go because he’s sick and can hardly stay awake.  I didn’t always think about asking him.

It made me realize how important the little things are when you are in this situation.  We can’t easily do the big things any more.  I don’t remember the last time we had a date night, or went away for a weekend, or did something fun together. Now, I’m happy when we have a ten minute conversation and he is awake and paying attention.  I’m really happy when he acknowledges the things I do around the house, or the little things I do to help him out, or when he brings me a candy bar just because I know he was thinking of me.  He is happy if I go to Walmart with him, or ask him if he wants to go with us somewhere, or if we pick up sandwiches and eat lunch together.

Life with a sick spouse is all about adjustments.  If you can’t adjust to a situation, you’ll never make it.  A simple shift in the mind can make all the difference in how peaceful your life is.  We have made small changes in order to make life a little easier for each other.  There will be more challenges and crises down the road, but if we do what we can for each other along the way, even little things, those challenges will be that much easier.

Teachable Moments

Nov29

When my husband’s tumor was first discovered, our children were only ages 9, 7, and 5.  They were really too young to be kept in the loop about what was happening, and we went out of our way to hide it all.  They were too young to hear about doctors, illness, tests, and an unknown prognosis.  We spent two years not knowing anything, so it would have been  impossible to explain to them what we didn’t understand.  Once we started getting answers, the reality of what could be coming wasn’t something we felt they needed to know or worry about.  We wanted them to just be children, with no adult worries, and we wanted to keep their lives as “normal” as possible.  It worked for a while.

Now, our children are ages 16, 14 and 12.  There really is no more hiding, and it wouldn’t be fair to be less than honest with them.   They know Dad is sick.  They see it every day.  We don’t make a point of talking about his illness, but we answer honestly now, when they have questions.  That is a hard transition to make.  As parents, we want to protect our kids from the difficult parts of life.  Nobody wants their kids to grow up with a sick parent, constant financial struggle, and an inability to know what can be expected in the future.  Under the best of circumstances, none of us can predict what the future will hold.  But with an illness, it’s even harder.  Life is lived on a day to day basis.  Plans are hard to make.  Promises are almost impossible.

For a long time, I felt guilty that our kids were dealt this hand…living in a family with a chronic illness that hangs over us every single day.  I felt it was unfair to my husband, and myself, but especially to our children.  I had an amazing, happy, care free childhood, and it hurt my heart to know that my kids wouldn’t have the same experience.  I’ve always wondered how this experience would affect the rest of their lives.  Would they grow up feeling cheated, or insecure, depressed, or anxiety ridden?

As our kids grow older, I find myself looking at our situation in a different way.  I’ve accepted that this is how things are and there is nothing we can do about it.  We can fight it and wish it were different.  That doesn’t work…I’ve tried it.  We can let it consume us and ruin our lives.  For me, that has never been an option and I wouldn’t allow my kids to let it affect them that way either.  Now, I try to look at it another way…a way that will hopefully help my kids.  My kids are, and always have been, watching me and how I respond to my husband, his illness, and our life as a family.  I hope that they have learned that spouses are loyal, through sickness and health.  I hope they have seen that life can be brutally hard and not go as planned, but that you simply don’t give up.   I hope they have learned that sometimes, you just have to put your head down and plow through the tough times, and that eventually you WILL come out the other side.

Now that our kids are more aware of what is happening,  they are asking me more questions, and talking to me about their feelings…whether positive or negative.  It’s my opportunity to continue to teach.  The most common feeling they have mentioned is frustration.  They get frustrated that their Dad sleeps a lot, and spends a lot of time just sitting and watching TV, or wandering aimlessly around the house, not doing much of anything.   They get frustrated when they see that he eats and drinks unhealthy food.  They get frustrated that he is often too tired to do something with them, or drive them somewhere.  They get frustrated when he won’t wear a seatbelt.  I completely understand their frustration, but I take those conversations as the opportunity to sympathize with them and to teach them that we can only control ourselves, not other people.  My kids tell me they don’t like to talk about it (as they are talking about it), and it gives me the chance to tell them that talking about it relieves them of the burden of holding it in.  I encourage them to talk about their anger and frustration because I know it helps to let go of it and share it with someone else.  I tell them it will eat them up to hold it in if they are sad, angry, or upset about something.  They tell me they want to spend more time with their Dad, but don’t know what to do with him.  I tell them to tell him that they want to spend time with him…it will make him feel good, and they will always remember the times they spent together.   Communication is important, and they should always tell him when they want to be with him.

As life evolves, and the years go by in our household, there will always be teachable moments that I hope will help my kids throughout their lives.  I could live with a heavy heart, wishing that life for my kids was different.  Or, I can share my experience with them in the hopes that they can move forward through their lives with a little bit of wisdom, and a foundation for dealing with the hard blows life can throw at them.

Beyond The Cover

Aug31

You can’t judge a book by its cover.  How many times have we heard that phrase?  We know what it means…you can’t judge something based on its appearance.  Yet, it’s human nature to do exactly that.  How many times have we seen a dirty, homeless person on the street, and thought to ourselves how lazy they are, or perhaps mentally ill, or just plain losers?  How many times have we looked at someone of a different race and made assumptions about them based on stereotypes?

A little over a year ago, we were on vacation in Sunset Beach, North Carolina.  My daughter, Hannah, was 14 at the time and had brought a friend with her for the week.  One day, they decided to walk down to a group of gift shops because her friend wanted to buy her younger siblings some souvenirs.  As they walked through the store, the owner followed them around, and then finally kicked them out and told them not to come back.  Both girls were shocked because they had been doing nothing but looking around.  They weren’t bothering anyone, or acting suspicious, or trying to steal.   What were they guilty of?

Both girls were teenagers.  Both were wearing black, perhaps one or both of them had a skull somewhere on their clothes.  Both of them had numerous piercings in their ears, and Hannah’s friend had gauges that enlarge the earlobe.  They may have been wearing black eyeliner.  Did the woman feel threatened by them because of their appearance?  Did she judge them as shoplifters because they looked different?  That’s a shame if that’s what she did.  Not only did she lose a sale that day, but she also made two nice, honest  girls feel offended by her actions.  They felt what it was like to be stereotyped and judged, based on their appearance.  Both of them were upset and didn’t understand why they were being judged when they weren’t doing anything wrong in the store.  I explained to both of them that the woman likely judged them by their appearance, and even though I know, and they know, that they are good girls, the woman saw only their style, and reacted based on that.

Hannah is now 16, and she wants to get her nose pierced…a small stud on the side of her nose.  I have always told her that I wouldn’t allow her to pierce her face, but I am allowing this small piercing.  Why?  Because I think it looks pretty.  All of her piercings have small holes so that they can be removed when she wants, and they won’t leave large holes in her body.  Hannah wants to go to nursing school, and eventually she will be going to interviews for jobs.  She has seen first-hand how appearance affects people’s opinions.  She understands that it’s okay to have your own personal style, but that there are times that you may have to tone it down in order to get to where you want to be.

There are some people that have told Hannah that it’s “wrong” to have piercings, or that the way she dresses is wrong.  She’s been told by family members that she is ruining the body that “God gave her.”  She has been made to feel bad for what she likes as her own personal style.  She has been judged based only on that style.  She has been given gift cards for her birthday in past years for places like Aeropostale, or Hollister by people who think the preppy look is the “right” look.  Isn’t that a not-so-subtle way of telling her that her appearance is wrong? I think that a lot of us look at the people close to us, and feel that their appearance reflects on us.  If she is wearing black and has her nose pierced, what does that say about me?  It says nothing.  It’s not about the rest of us.

People overlook her amazing qualities, and allow her appearance to overshadow them.  Hannah is a person who is open minded, doesn’t judge others, and is quick to speak up when she feels someone else is being judgmental.  She has no tolerance for intolerance.  She is loving, and caring, and wants to spend her life caring for the sick.  Yesterday, Hannah and two of her friends saw a large amount of garbage left in the woods near our house.  They filled three garbage bags with someone else’s trash, brought it home, and put it in our garbage pails.  Are those the actions of a person that deserves to be told she is ruining what God gave her, or to be kicked out of a gift shop for doing nothing but shopping?

Never judge a book by its cover.  Hannah’s cover is beautiful, regardless of a few holes, or the black clothing it wears.  Her cover encases a beautiful soul that shines wherever she goes.  Don’t miss the soul because of the cover.  Wherever you go, take a moment to look beyond the cover, and see the soul inside.  THAT is what counts.

Signs

Aug3

A Prayer for the Caregiver
by Bruce McIntyre

Unknown and often unnoticed, you are a hero nonetheless.
For your love, sacrificial, is God at his best.
You walk by faith in the darkness of the great unknown,
And your courage, even in weakness, gives life to your beloved.
You hold shaking hands and provide the ultimate care:
Your presence, the knowing, that you are simply there.
You rise to face the giant of disease and despair,
It is your finest hour, though you may be unaware.
You are resilient, amazing, and beauty unexcelled,
You are the caregiver and you have done well!

 

Several years ago I was on vacation in North Carolina with my husband, kids, parents and my aunt and her boyfriend.  One night after dinner we went around the table and asked each other the questions that James Lipton asks celebrities at the end of the TV show, Inside The Actor’s Studio.  The last question he asks is, “If  heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?”  My answer to that question was that I’d like to hear the words, “You did a good job.”  I’ve always tried to do a good job, whether it was raising my kids, being productive at work, or just by being kind to everyone.  I’ve always tried to be a good person and do the right thing.

I’m not a religious person.  I’ve never had use for organized religion, but I definitely believe in God and consider myself a spiritual person.  My relationship with God is personal, and I don’t feel a need to share it with other people.  However, in my daily life when I’m struggling with a decision, or unkind feelings, or coping with stress, I frequently ask myself what God would want me to do.  Daily life with a sick spouse can be filled with stress, frustration, anger, resentment, sadness, loneliness, isolation, and exhaustion.  This is especially true when your day also includes raising children, managing a household, and working.

Over the past several months, it’s been a real struggle for me to deal with the resentment I have for my husband, our life together, and my life personally due to an illness we have no control over.  I’ve watched my husband go from a man who was always extremely energetic, busy, and on the go from morning until night, become a man who has so little energy that even the shortest tasks exhaust him.  I’ve watched him go from the life of the party to someone who stares into space, wanders around the house, and sleeps for long periods of time.  It’s extremely hard not to feel resentful when I’m running around taking care of the daily needs of three kids, myself, my husband, a household, and be responsible to go to a job.  I often feel like he is here physically, but his mind is tuned out.

I resent that everything is on my shoulders.  My plate is overflowing.  It makes me not want to do things for him.  I do it anyway.  It makes me want to run for the hills sometimes.  I daydream about what it would be like to run away from it all.  But I stay.  It makes me fantasize about life after the illness, when he’s gone someday.  That will be an awful day, but it will be liberating, too.  All of these things make me feel guilty.  It’s a daily struggle, a never ending cycle of resentment, fantasy, guilt.  We aren’t even at the point that my husband needs personal care, but I’m overwhelmed.  I had breakfast yesterday with my friend Yvonne.  She is my dear friend of 41 years.  I told her all of this and said, “I’m not even really his caregiver yet.”  Her response was, “you still have the mental stress.”  That acknowledgement was priceless for me.

I came home from breakfast and found the above poem.  I believe that sometimes God sends signs.  I believe that poem was a sign for me.  “For your love, sacrificial, is God at his best.” That line changed my entire perspective.  God works through us to help people who need it most.  It made me remember that question that I hadn’t asked myself in a while…what would God want me to do?  My husband is in need of someone to be here for him, not only to meet his physical needs, but emotional support, and to provide a home environment where it’s okay to feel lousy, and sleep, and just be sick.   When the days get rough, and the stress gets high, I will read this poem to remind myself of the good I’m doing for my husband and the example I’m setting for my children.  I’m sure there will be many days that are a challenge for me.  I’m only human.  Hopefully, there will be fewer days of resentment, and more days appreciating the time I have with my husband and making his years as comfortable as possible.

Abandonment

May26

As I’ve written about in previous blog posts, I have a chronically ill husband.  It’s not a disease that will go away.  It’s progressive and incurable at this point.  It can be manageable, but it’s also unpredictable, and some days are good days and some days are bad days.  Chronic illness affects families in many different ways.  Patients and spouses go through many emotions at different times.  An ongoing theme that I’ve noticed affects both my husband and I, and has a ripple effect on the people in our lives, is abandonment.  We abandon and we feel abandoned.  I can’t speak for my husband, but I can share what it’s like for me.  I have always kept this stuff bottled up inside me for many reasons.  I feel like I have to be strong and be able to handle everything.  But I can’t.  I don’t want people who leave me out, to know I feel abandoned because I don’t want them to feel bad.  So, I feel bad instead.  I feel guilty for having less than stellar emotions.  I don’t know why.  I’m human and entitled to be negative at times, and feel sadness, and feel upset with people.  Mostly, I don’t want other people to worry about me, or have my hard times affect their happy lives.  I know in my head that I shouldn’t feel this way, but since when does that matter?  We feel what we feel.  That is one of the reasons I write.  It’s therapeutic for me, and I think it helps other people who are going through the same thing.  Writing lets me get out my feelings without having to say them.  It’s easier for me.

One of the hardest things that I have gone through over the past 6 ½ years, is the feeling of being abandoned.  There are people who I have thought would be there for me who have not.  I don’t think it’s necessarily intentional, but nothing hurts more than people you care about becoming scarce when you are left to hold together a family affected by illness.  There have been many people who have stepped up and been great supports to us, and for that we will be forever grateful.  But there are others who have not.  My husband has told me that he feels left out of things, and he says it doesn’t bother him, but I think it does.  I know it bothers the hell out of me when I feel left out.  It happens frequently.  We aren’t sure why.  Maybe people think we can’t afford something, or he won’t be up to it, or maybe we just aren’t as fun because we can’t do everything everyone else does.  We wish people would invite us to do things and leave it up to us to decide if we can or not.  Sometimes we will be able to, and other times not.  I need to get out and keep living my life and do fun things.  He is still living and he should get out and do things, too.

Abandonment goes in both directions.  I work, take care of a household, and I’m busy with three older children who have places to go and activities to do.  I’m also looking for a better job.  Thankfully, my husband is still at a point where he doesn’t need me to be a caretaker, but there are days he doesn’t feel well and I do take care of him.  I spend a large part of my life doing for others, and there are those times when a crisis happens and suddenly there is a trip to the hospital.  Out of necessity, I abandon those things that aren’t of vital importance.  My house tends to be messy…who wants to spend a free day cleaning the stinkin house?  I do whatever amount of laundry needs to be done in order to give us clean clothes for a couple of days.  I’ve also abandoned certain dreams…buying a bigger, nicer house…spending my older years traveling with my husband…retiring, in general.  There are those times, when I don’t feel like doing anything on the weekends, so I don’t seek people out to do things with.  When you spend your weeks always doing, a day off to do nothing is a luxury.  A day to myself, doing anything I want to do is almost unheard of.   Because of this, I have done my share of abandoning some people.  One of the people that I don’t spend nearly enough time with is my Mom.  But she is the one person in my life who I know will NEVER abandon me, no matter what.  It’s not fair to her.   I am going to change that.  The irony of all of this is that I feel abandoned, and the one person who has never abandoned me is the one I leave out.  Sometimes, I just feel like I have nothing left to give.  I’m tired.  There are also times I feel like I’ve abandoned my husband, but again, sometimes I feel like I am depleted of whatever I have to give.  I have also abandoned some of the people who have stopped bothering with us.  That was hard to do, but necessary for my peace of mind.  Sometimes, you just have to let people go.

All of these feelings lead to that old cycle of guilt and resentment.  There are millions of people who are going through an illness with a family member.  We have become a caretaking society…people take care of parents with Alzheimer’s, children with autism and other disabilities, cancer patients, chronically ill family members.  It’s not an unusual thing to have someone in your life that needs to be taken care of.  Someday, YOU may need to be taken care of.  Or you may be taking care of someone.  Take a moment to reach out to someone who is going through this.  Please understand that a lot of times, the person may say no to an invitation.  Keep asking anyway, because it makes a world of difference to know that someone thought of them and took the time to at least ask.  It helps people to not feel abandoned and isolated, and that goes a long way.

The Abyss

Apr16

In November of 2007, the words “they found a tumor” altered the course of my husband’s life, my life, and my children’s lives.  Those words started a two year journey to find a diagnosis, followed by several years of treatment attempts, horrible illness,  multiple hospitalizations, incredible stress and strain on our family, more questions than answers, and ultimately, the realization that this wasn’t ever going away.  In fact, it would only continue to get worse…his disease is progressive and incurable.  The roller coaster of emotions never stops, but I have learned a lot about myself, the people in my life, and life with a chronically ill family member.

 

For myself, this isn’t an easy journey.  People tell me all the time that I am an incredibly strong person.  I am strong because I have no choice but to be strong.  What would my alternative be?   I can choose to give up and stop living, or I can choose to be strong, do what needs to be done for my family, and be here for my husband.  I’m strong, but not infallible. I make a choice every day to laugh, enjoy my family, find a few things for myself that I enjoy, and try not to get sucked into the abyss of never ending illness.  However, there are a lot of struggles that I endure every day that people who haven’t ever been in this situation would fail to grasp.  People who haven’t lived this may even think less of me for feeling the way I sometimes feel.  You just can’t fully understand it unless you’ve lived it.

 

There are two emotions that play a constant role in my life…guilt and resentment.  I didn’t sign up for this.  Who would?   I have a lot of days that I resent what this illness has done to me, my husband and the life together that we will likely never have.  We won’t spend our later years traveling together, or going out and doing things with friends, or staying up late having interesting discussions.  Those things are few and far between for us already.  I know this isn’t anyone’s fault, but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept.  I feel resentful of friends and family members who WILL get to do those things, or who can go on great vacations, or who express worries about money when they are making two or three times what we are struggling to live on. I am resentful when I see other couples out doing things together.  I am resentful when I see other families with healthy Dads, actively engaging in activities with their children when my children’s Dad barely has enough energy to get through a quiet day at home.

 

The usual emotion followed by resentment is a big, healthy dose of guilt.  I feel guilty for feeling resentful of the illness, and other people who have an easier life.  I feel guilty for yearning for more from life. I would never wish this on anyone.  I am happy for people who are happy with life.  But sometimes I still resent it, which makes me feel guilty.  I have a lot of things to be grateful for.  I have a husband who loves me, three amazing children who I love more than life itself, some incredible friends, incredibly supportive parents, and many family members who have always been there for us.  I get it.  I have many good things in my life, too.  But that doesn’t take away the resentment and the guilt for feeling resentful.  It is what it is, but it doesn’t make it easier to accept.  Again, for people not in my shoes, this may be hard to understand.

 

I tend to keep my feelings to myself, and withdraw from people during my darker times.  I am an introspective person, and usually prefer to solve my own issues on my own, and in my own time.  I’m sharing this not because I want anyone to solve this issue for me, or because I’m looking for sympathy.  These are my issues that I deal with every day.  They aren’t right or wrong…they just “are.”  I’m sharing this so that people can maybe understand what it’s like to live this type of life.  There are many people out there feeling isolated, misunderstood, resentful, guilty and hopeless.

 

People often ask what  they can do to help a family or person dealing with illness.  They usually mean by actively doing things…making a meal,  or helping with a task.  There are other ways you can help.  You can help emotionally by letting them know that you are there if they need you.  You can help by realizing that your every day issues are issues they would give anything to have, rather than the stress they are living with on a long term basis.  You can help by including them in things so they don’t feel isolated.  You can also help by being sincere in your interest in how someone is doing.  Don’t ask if you don’t REALLY want to be a listening ear. It is noticed when you aren’t really paying attention to what someone is telling you.  You can help by listening without trying to give advice.  Advice is nice if it’s asked for, but mostly it’s just nice to be listened to and sympathized with.  When I feel as if I’ve been really heard, it makes a world of difference.  It makes the resentment and guilt go away for a little while.  It gives me hope.

How Not To Raise An Unlikable Kid

Mar24

I’ve worked in an elementary school for the past 6 years.  It’s probably the single most entertaining job I’ve ever had.  Kids crack me up, and I am that person who is likely to giggle for a little too long when someone’s little darling innocently makes some innuendo filled statement that only an adult would notice.  Kids can be adorable, and wise beyond their years…or they can be little dicks.  I’ve had multiple conversations with multiple adults about how disrespectful children can be these days.  You used to be able to count on one hand how many kids were poorly behaved and disrespectful.  Unfortunately, the tides have turned and it’s more likely that you can count well behaved, respectful kids on one hand.  With this in mind, I give you my advice on how to prevent your kid from being on the ugly side of that statistic.

 

1.     Teach them that it’s not amusing to be a little punk who ignores the directions of adults.  Believe me, we know they find it amusing because they tend to have a smirk on their face that makes even the most even keeled of adults want to slap it off their face and into next week.   It’s not cute, it’s not because they’re young, it’s because they haven’t learned to respect adults.

 

2.     Teach them that the adults at school are NOT blind.  When we see them do something right in front of us, it means WE SAW IT!  No matter how many times they say they didn’t do it, WE SAW THEM DO IT!   This might be a good time to start teaching them accountability.  When they punch a co-worker in the ribs in front of their boss someday,  they won’t get away with saying they didn’t do it.

 

3.     Teach your child some independence.  Show them how to open a friggin straw, or wipe their mouths.  For the love of all that is great and holy, teach them how to wipe or blow their nose!  It’s unbelievable how many kids need help with EVERYTHING.  It’s not because they aren’t capable, it’s because they never have to do anything for themselves.  I’ve seen parents come to school for parties or lunch, and they literally spoon feed their child!  PLEASE, let them do things for themselves.  They will be okay.

 

4.     Teach them not to be wimps.  Seriously.  Life is a lot easier when you can suck it up and move on.  There are so many kids who whine over trivial injuries, invisible cuts,  and act like they are crippled for life when they have  microscopic booboos.  Then you have the kids who suffer daily with hourly stomach aches.  A lot of this is for attention, so for everyone’s sake…especially your child’s…give them the attention they need.

 

5.     Teach them to be a good friend.  Nobody likes a tattletale, and there are kids who make it their job to rat out every other kid in sight, for even the slightest of transgressions.  Unless a classmate is going to get hurt, it’s usually okay to let things slide.  Teach your kids that manipulating others, talking behind people’s backs, ranking friends, and being visually disgusted when someone sits next to them, is not going to win them friends.  Teach them to be kind.  It’s not okay to be mean and hurt people’s feelings.

 

6.     Teach your kid that not every damn thing that is said and done “hurts their feelings.”  A lot of kids like to use that phrase to get other kids in trouble.  They tell the adults at school that so-and-so hurt their feelings, usually with an annoying smirk on their face. Refer back to rule #4.  Tell them to get over it.

 

Clearly, this is not an exhaustive list.  It’s just a starter guide, if you will.  It boils down to teaching kids that school is a place for learning, and that teachers and other adults are to be listened to, responded to, and respected.  Stop babying your kids, stop assuming they are always innocent, teach them how to do for themselves, and to treat other kids the way they want to be treated.   Ultimately, it will make your child a better member of society, a better friend, and a better person.  It will also prevent you from being the parent of the kid that nobody likes.  Don’t be the parent of THAT kid.