It’s Oscar night. The night when rich celebrities gather in their fancy duds to pat each other on the back for their stellar performances in movies half the world probably didn’t see. The audience will enjoy the hilarious antics of the Oscar host, watch nominees smile and act humble when they are announced in their category, and then enjoy the shock on their faces when they win, take the stage and give a 40 minute prepared speech, even though they NEVER thought they would win. *rolls eyes*
I probably sound a tad bitter. Honestly, I love the movies as much as the next person. I think awards shows are fun to watch. However, this year, I stumbled across a story on the internet that announced what the nominees will be taking home in their gift bags this year. Gift bags? Why the hell do these people need gift bags? They go to some fancy dinner after the show. What ever happened to raffling off the table centerpiece to the person with the closest birthday? These aren’t ordinary gift bags, people. These are $85,000 gift bags…for the celebrity who has everything. Because clearly, they need this stuff.
I’m not going to go through the extensive and vomit inducing list because frankly, I’d like to get to bed before Tuesday morning. Let’s just say there are some beauties in those bags, and I’d like to highlight a few. My favorite by far is a vagina rejuvenating injection that assists women in having orgasms. It’s worth $2700. What woman doesn’t need vagina rejuvenation? I’m sure Dame Judi Dench can’t wait to try it out. They say it gets rid of dust and that pesky tumbleweed we all deal with as we age. It’s called an O-Shot which sounds like something you’d order from the bar. Frankly, a shot from the local dive sounds more rejuvenating than an injection in the old hoo-hoo. But that’s just me.
There is a little bit of irony in the bag, too. They have included a $6.95 drain wig. It’s an adorable little gadget that you put over your shower drain to prevent hair from clogging it. When it’s full, the precocious little darlings of the stars can fashion wigs from Daddy’s pubic hair for their Barbie doll. Not really, I made the Barbie thing up. In contrast, there is a $5000 gift certificate for laser hair removal. Do they really need both? Yes, they do, as a matter of fact. Because in addition to a drain wig and laser hair removal, there is $16,000 towards a hair transplant. They’ve also included a $15 do-rag. I mean, honestly. Who are the unstable half-wits who chose these items?
Thankfully, there are other awesome gifts included for the impoverished movie stars of Hollywood. There are five vacations, including a $15,000 walking tour of Japan. Haven’t they heard of limos in Tokyo? There are free sessions with a personal trainer for the rare actress who weighs more than 90 pounds. There are herbal lollipops, electronic cigarettes, luxury condoms, and mace guns. There are even things for celebrity pets.
Perhaps, you’re thinking, the green eyed monster of envy has visited me this evening. That would be a big, fat no. In fact, the blue eyed monster of disgust has visited. Actually, I don’t know what color that monster would be. I made that up, too. It’s disgraceful that such an excessive amount of money has been spent to provide the well-to-do with a token of thanks for being nominated for an award. I’m sure that the honor of being nominated, as well as the exorbitant salaries they earned for performing in these films, is enough of a prize for these people. Goody bags should be obsolete once you’re past the age of six.
There are so many Americans struggling right now just to put food on the table. There are people losing their homes. There are schools struggling to provide the books, supplies, and teachers necessary to give students a basic education. There are people dying of diseases, and others who are fighting unrelenting addictions. Movie stars who have little want for material luxuries, are being gifted these extravagant presents as people freeze to death on America’s streets. Perhaps, $85,000 for each goody bag could have been given instead, to food pantries, homeless shelters, rehab centers, hospitals, or schools where it could provide something vital to someone’s future. I’m sure Sister Mary Sunshine would prefer it if money were donated to her orphans rather than to rejuvenating Meryl Streep’s vagina.